Wooing a Warlock
by Virtuous Vampire
Summary: A recently recovered Alec attempts to woo a certain warlock...but does he know what he's getting himself into? Magnus unleashes his inner crazy- a hatred of Lady Gaga and an adulterous tabby cat. Warning-silly. R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**So this is my first(but hopefully not last) Mortal Instruments fic. This is part one of a two-shot centred around Malec(who else?!)**

**Enjoy and please R&R! PS, I know it's silly and Magnus is a bit OTT but it made me giggle**

* * *

**Wooing a Warlock- Chapter 1**

Alec Lightwood almost fell on his face after stepping out of the cab.

_Great start, you're making a fool of yourself even before you meet him,_ he chided himself.

He wasn't ready for this yet. He _had _just recovered from an attack at the hands of a Greater Demon, after all. The crutches had just been abandoned that morning and feeling free for the first time since his ordeal, he had decided to do something ballsy. Confronting a warlock about his not-so-innocent intentions was the most reckless thing he could think of.

Ideally, he would have liked to have ridden in on one of the cool vampire motorcycles at night-time with his dark hair billowing in the wind. He would traipse up the steps that led to the metal-bound door, press the apartment buzzers and say…see this was the problem. The words always fled when he needed them most. Anyway, in his fantasy he would wow the High Warlock with his quick wit and be invited in immediately. And after that….Alec blushed despite himself.

"Hey kid, what's the weather like on your planet?" the cab driver rudely interrupted his reverie, just when it was getting interesting.

He rooted in his pocket for some spare change and proceeded to hand the driver his due. He ignored the man's mumbling about a lack of a tip.

Once Alec had climbed the steps leading to the warlock's door he was forced to face the reality of the situation- he was on a stranger's porch and hadn't received an invitation. What if Magnus turned him away? Just because he had given Alec his number didn't mean that he was cool with him dropping by anytime he felt like it. How did he even know that he was genuinely interested in him? He might say "call me" to every third person who entered his apartment on a whim. Either that or he could just have been messing with him. Tease the Shadowhunter. No, that couldn't be true. If he didn't care then he wouldn't have healed him. Alec groaned. Things would be so much simpler if he hadn't lost Magnus's number.

OOoooOOooo

When he had awoken from his healing after Abbadon's attack he had been almost suffocated by Isabelle's embrace. When she had filled him in on what had happened to him he had felt ashamed. He had one chance to prove to Jace that he could be tough like him and kill a demon once and for all and he had failed.

He perked up considerably once he heard who had come to his rescue. Magnus Bane was without doubt the most illustrious company he had ever kept, even if he had been unconscious at the time.

"Um…did he leave a number or anything?"

She raised her brows in a suggestive manner. She was obviously holding herself responsible for introducing them at the party and he could tell from the way that her lips were curving that she was going to declare herself the reason of his recently active love-life…if that indeed was what it was.

"I just want to thank him for saving my life," he cut her off before she could assume anything. He wasn't fooling her. Hell, how could he fool his sister if he couldn't even fool himself?

"Yes, he left a number…but he gave it to you not me," she responded, relishing the look of confusion on his face. She sauntered off before calling back- "You'll know what I mean soon enough."

Siblings. Could they never be straightforward? Despite his limbs being more tender than usual, he was well capable of hauling himself out of bed with the aid of crutches. He entered the bathroom and stripped. While in the shower he thought of how to open the conversation once he called Mr. Bane. He failed to come up with anything original and it was only when he was towelling himself dry that he realised what a huge blunder he had made.

In the mirror he saw smudged numbers trailing from just above his chest to his bellybutton.

_Damn it!_

This was all Isabelle's fault! If she had only been straight with him, instead of trying to be clever then he could be talking to Magnus right now! He moved closer to the mirror and desperately tried to discern the ruined figures…to no avail. At the back of his mind a voice wondered if Magnus had seen more of him than his naked chest….

OOoooOOooo

That was how Alec found himself on Magnus's doorstep a week after being healed.

Before he had a chance to talk himself out of it, he pushed the buzzer. He was greeted by purring strangely enough. The naughtier side of him wondered if Magnus purred, then realised that he probably had a cat. The thought put him off slightly. He was more of a dog person and even Church made him feel a trickle of unease.

He shook his head. Magnus was obviously holding his cat while waiting for a response. If he didn't hurry up and say something, he would look like a fool.

"Um…Mr. Bane?," _Mr. Bane?_ he criticised himself. _What kind of pick-up line is that? _He wouldn't be impressed unless he found it kinky….was he kinky? He _was_ a warlock after all. Alec didn't know if he had any strange fetishes in the bedroom department. He realised that he had trailed off in mid-sentence. Panic reared it's ugly head and predictably, he started to babble.

"I just wanted to-Oh, it's Alec Lightwood from the Institute by the way. I just wanted to thank you for sucking-_drawing_ the demon poison out of me and you gave me your number but I lost it so I justwonderedif-"

No response except for the faint purring.

Was he _trying _to torture him? Because he was doing a very good job. His shyness quickly turned to anger. Was he playing with him?

"The least you could do is respond."

Nothing.

_Bitch._

"If you don't bother answering then I swear on the Angel, I'm leaving and never coming back."

He prayed that he wouldn't have to follow the threat through. Then he would have travelled to the far side of Brooklyn for no reason. When his threat wasn't acknowledged he turned on his heel and prepared to walk down the steps, all the while hoping that he would be lucky enough not to get the same cabdriver as before. He was so deep in thought that he almost failed to see the sparkly sight before him.

Magnus Bane the famed High Warlock of Brooklyn was blocking his access to the steps. He was magnificently dressed as always. The garments that were privileged with draping his already magnificent form were, a bright blazer adorned with multicoloured flowers-though Alec noted that at the centre of each flower lay a menacing looking skull. He chose to ignore this particular feature and continued his inspection- a pair of black and crimson tartan jeans and sequined boots that seemed to be sprinkled with even more sparkles. His hair was arranged into the trademark spikes, his cat-like eyes were buried under a mountain of black eyeliner and his mischievous smirk was enhanced by his purple lipstick. In his right hand he held a plastic carrier bag which contrasted with his elaborate outfit.

Alec was faintly surprised that he wasn't more shocked by his ensemble, and while he appreciated Magnus's efforts to look good he wondered idly what he would look like without the mask of make-up.

Had he heard his little hissy fit? Alec sincerely hoped not. That would be absolutely mortifying.

"I don't remember mail ordering a Nephilim. Perhaps I was drunk."

Alec flushed in embarrassment. He had travelled all this way and Magnus didn't even want to see him! He tried to step past him but the warlock mirrored his movement.

"That's a compliment Muffin. I don't regret anything I've done while drunk…well except for that time when I had too many strawberry schnapps and made an abusive phone call to Lady Gaga. FYI the bitch _totally _stole my style," Magnus whispered the last part as if it were a scandalous secret. Alec just nodded mutely as if he knew what he was talking about. _Madam who?_ Also, had the High Warlock of Brooklyn just called him Muffin?!

"What's the matter, kid? Forget how to move or something?"

_Oh God! Say something! Anything!_

"I'm not a muffin!"

_Anything but that!_

Magnus's grin widened wickedly. "Yes you are Alecakes. I bet you taste _sinfully _good and that I'll feel like a glutton after devouring you whole."

Alec almost squeaked but stopped himself. What could he say to that? He wished that he could freeze time and text Jace for a good come-back. Well not Jace but someone witty. Then something miraculous happened-the perfect response danced in front of his eyes and he grasped at it before it floated away,

"I bet you taste like a powdered donut."

Magnus stared at him for a good five seconds before throwing his head back and laughing. Alec's self-confidence went up a notch.

"All this talk of pastries is making me hungry. I'm on a diet at the moment so if you don't like houmous and crackers I'm afraid you're going to go hungry."

_He was inviting him up! Yes!_ Alec did his best to look nonchalant and fought the urge to perform a victory air grab.

"I don't eat much anyway. Why are you on a diet? You're a bean-pole."

Magnus raised a perfectly plucked brow and his smile became feral, "Does that mean you'll grant me a lap dance?_"_

Alec managed to maintain a cool countenance while Magnus began rooting in his jean pocket for his key.

"Uh…won't your cat let us in?"

Magnus continued rooting while he answered.

"Ordinarily Chairman Meow would save me the trouble of fumbling for my key but he insisted on accompanying me to the store for cat food. He's getting so _fat._"

As if in response, the small tabby cat popped his head out from the plastic bag and gave an outraged meow of protest.

Magnus remained oblivious to Alec's confusion as he squabbled with his cat.

"Oh don't get so offended! I keep telling you 'A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips' but do you listen? No, you just lie eating catnip in your basket all day or stretch out on the couch to watch _Oprah-"_

Another meow of indignation.

"That's _different. I_ can multitask by watching _Oprah_ and doing Pilates at the same time-"

"Uh…I'd hate to interrupt but couldn't your _other_ cat open the door?"

An icy silence filled the air.

"I only have one cat," Magnus stated. He glanced suspiciously at Chairman Meow who conveniently had something stuck in his eye. Magnus, who had found his key moments before during his quarrel with his pet, unlocked the front door and strode purposefully inside.

"Then who pressed the intercom button…", Alec trailed off as he realised that Magnus wasn't paying attention to him.

He followed the High Warlock inside and up the steps to the apartment, curious to find out what was going on.

The Magnificent One's abode seemed much smaller in the harsh light of day It seemed almost like an artist's abandoned canvas -there were dashes of glitter paint peppered across the naked walls and the floorboards possessed an almost unnatural sheen. Across the way, Alec spied a fluffy, white, tail twisting into a bedroom. Magnus was practically shaking with fury. He dropped the plastic bag and Chairman Meow scampered out obviously dreading what was to come. The tabby cat proceeded to sprint passed a door on the other side of the room, which on closer inspection, was revealed to be an average sized den.

Magnus pursued his pet and shut the den door behind him. Alec, not wanting to eavesdrop, began to sift through Magnus's shopping. Perhaps he could prepare a snack for his glittery friend. He tried to inspect the purchases without reflecting on why Magnus would be having an almost lover-like tiff with his kitten. The warlock was baffling enough without throwing unnecessary questions into the mix. Yet another issue presented itself-how could a _cat_ open a door? He stifled the question, not wanting to know the answer.

As Alec made his way in the direction of what appeared to be the kitchen, he couldn't help but hear a few exclamations along the lines of-

"Don't you play innocent with me Chairman Manipulator! How long have you been keeping this fluffy little secret?"…… "Don't you dare turn this back on me! I'm not one bit like Othello! I have hard evidence of your sordid deed!…" "Why couldn't you just _tell _me that my company wasn't sufficient? The deception is what upsets me the…"

These bursts of indignation filtered into his ears as Alec smoothed houmous onto crackers for Magnus. Eventually, the den door was swung open and Chairman Meow flitted out, a figure of guilt and shame. He headed for the room in which the fluffy cat had disappeared earlier. Before the sheepish tabby could shut the door behind him, Magnus emerged from the den and shouted, "You're undeserving of the title of Chairman! I'm demoting you to Secretary Meow!"

So humbled was the cat that he attempted to hide behind the bedroom door. Seconds later with the help of his friend he managed to shut it.

"Now that tubby cat has left us, where were we young Shadowhunter?"

* * *

**So....is a concluding chapter in order?xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, I'm sorry this has taken so long to update and I hope it was worth the wait! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, I read each one repeatedly.=)**

**Enjoy. R&R!**

* * *

**Wooing a Warlock**

**Chapter 2**

"Uh…do you want these crackers now?"

Magnus ran his fingers through his hair and surveyed Alec's handiwork. He proceeded to bite his bottom lip and shake his head once.

"Not that they don't look scrumptious, but after _that_ I'm in dire need of comfort food." He snapped his polished fingers and two Mochaccinos and a box of powdered donuts materialised on the round table in the centre of the living room.

"I've possibly made an enemy of some fattie sitting in Dean & DeLuca. Can you believe that _one_ person would eat all of this? Crazy."

Alec nodded, not sure if a response was necessary.

Magnus pulled out a chair for him and he accepted, gratefully. The object of his affection then made himself comfortable in the seat next to him and both began munching on donuts and sipping the still hot coffee.

Alec liked his coffee black and the sweetness of the Mochaccino was a bit overwhelming at first, but he soon grew to enjoy the taste. He tried to avoid junk food as it did no favours for hunting demons, providing zero nutrition. Lately he hadn't had much choice in how often he ate the stuff as it was either that or eat something Isabelle had prepared. He automatically shivered at the thought of his sister's culinary skills or lack thereof.

"Are you cold, muffin?" Magnus inquired with a twinkle in his eye.

Alec blushed _again_, knowing full well that the warlock was baiting him.

"No, I just remembered the taste of my sister's cooking. I'd rather fight another Greater Demon that eat the stuff she prepares," he joked, light heartedly.

"Don't even joke about that," was Magnus's somewhat cool reply.

Alec blushed a deeper shade of red, this time out of shame not embarrassment. That was a stupid joke. It made it sound as if he wasn't grateful for the healing Magnus had performed on him. He felt like he was floundering in the sudden silence. Would a genuinely funny joke lighten the mood? One way to find out.

"So how long have you been in a monogamous relationship with your cat?"

It worked. Coffee shot from the High Warlock's nose and created a pool on the table. He snapped his fingers and it was clean again although a hint of shock still shone through his eyes.

"What are you insinuating, Alexander?"

It took all of Alec's willpower not to laugh. He merely raised his left eyebrow knowingly. Magnus smiled suddenly and he bore a great resemblance to…well, a Cheshire Cat.

"Not that I don't enjoy various kinks, young Shadowhunter, but you'll be disappointed to learn that bestiality isn't one of them. Chair- _Secretary _Meow is merely a close friend who broke the house rules that we had agreed upon. He's proud like myself and will huff for a while but he'll come crawling back after he realizes that there is no cat food in that room."

Alec was relieved to say the least. He didn't know if he could have had a relationship with a warlock whose sexual orientation crossed the boundary of his own species.

"So….what are some of the kinks you _do _enjoy?" he asked curiously.

Magnus sighed nostalgically and leaned back in his chair.

"I've dallied with fairies, conquistadors, stable boys, yoga instructors, vampires and even _women_ on occasion."

Now it was Alec's turn to splutter and the warlock's turn to gently mock.

"What? You've never tangled with one of those types of demons before? I'm shocked Alexander. Though I can't say I blame you. The women I've been with have always made the fatal flaw of presuming that they are more beautiful than I am. Such a poor quality of judgement. Not all women of course, just those who are petty and jealous."

He shook his magnificent mane of spikes just to bring the point home. Alec was still trying not to hyperventilate.

"I'm surprised though, that Goldilocks wouldn't have tried to teach you in the ways of women. He's got the shampoo commercial hair in common with most beauties and the gift that comes with that- knowing the mind of the enemy or shall I say prey?" his gaze remained fixed on Alec from under his sinfully long lashes.

Alec managed to gulp and retrieve his breath. _What did Magnus want him to say?_ Adding Jace to the equation had truly confused his already muddled emotions.

"Um, well I never really liked girls that way. I guess I always thought that you were meant to have a relationship with someone with the same….?" he paused, not wanting to phrase it wrong and make himself look like even more of fool.

"Package?" the High Warlock prompted, managing to look both engrossed and aloof at the same time.

"Yeah and now I can only be grateful that I didn't voice any of those thoughts-" he was cut off by Magnus.

"That must have been difficult once Goldilocks landed on your doorstep. It must have felt like Christmas had come early and you couldn't open any presents."

"We were kids, Magnus! I wasn't-" Alec protested.

"Oh rest assured I don't think you wanted to canoodle him the second you saw him, but as you grew older, your relationship must have changed. From your perspective anyway."

He couldn't argue with that. How questions would gnaw at him constantly-did he feel the same way? Did _parabatai _mean as much to him as it did to him? Did he like Isabelle instead? It was a perfectly constructed form of self torture. Everyday he came to the same conclusion-unrequited love was a bitch.

He'd never considered anyone else, or the thought of _trying_ to meet anyone else. Jace was the one, even if he didn't know it. But then Clary had barrelled into their lives and his hopes had been dashed. Jace's whole demeanour changed when she was around. He was obsessed, transfixed by the sprite-like redhead. Alec thought his bitterness and envy would choke him- until fate seemed to intervene in the form of a flamboyant warlock who winked at him and told him to call him.

He broke away from the train of thought and glanced up at said warlock, curiously. What he saw in his gleaming eyes both shocked and flattered him.

Magnus was staring at him intently as if he were examining a map, trying to analyse each emotion that flitted across his face.

"Why do you care about Jace anyway?" Alec asked.

Magnus smiled without humour before answering, "I just want to know when the seeds of this fantasy were sown."

_Fantasy?_ Alec didn't like that he was dismissing his love for Jace as a fantasy.

"There's more to my feelings than wanting what I can't have, Magnus," he managed to bite out.

"That's where you're wrong Alexander. You're a masochist if ever I've seen one. You want Goldilocks because he's unattainable. He's to busy pining after his sister Little Red to even consider you. You're his brother."

Alec flinched before retorting, "What? Who made you an expert on the matter?"

Magnus ran his fingers through his hair again in frustration and proceeded to stalk to the other side of the room, making the chair he'd been sitting on screech against the floor.

"For your information Shadowhunter, I've been around long enough to see a Greek tragedy in the making…or in this case a tamer version of Gossip Girl."

Alec got to his feet and despite not being at his physical peak, walked across the room until his face was inches from Magnus's and growled, "What is your problem? I came all the way here to see _you_ and you start attacking me based on feelings that I have no control over, whatsoever. I've put up with all the crazy stuff like an adulterous cat, a second cat that can open doors, your intrusive questions, not to mention that I shouldn't even be _fraternising _with a Downworlder-" his breathing was beginning to eradicate from both rage and the fact that he was close enough to Magnus to kiss him. He stumbled slightly and Magnus grabbed him by the waist before gently placing him on the couch.

Alec managed to catch his breath after a few seconds and he reluctantly made eye contact with the infuriating warlock again. Before he could shout at him again, Magnus leaned in close until their noses were grazing intimately.

As Alec had been forced to submerge himself in his feelings for Jace under Magnus's scrutiny, he had to admit that he had forgotten his host for a moment or two. He had even forgotten if he'd found the warlock attractive. Now, those secret fantasies and desires that had fuelled his imagination in the cab on the way over were sparked back into life and Jace was forgotten completely. The sexual tension between them was going into overdrive and Alec was both terrified and delighted at the same time.

Magnus began to tilt his head and Alec almost fainted in anticipation of what was to come. To his disappointment, Magnus moved his face away from his and instead brought his lips close to his ear.

"The only thing cuter than you when you're embarrassed is you when you're angry," he husked before he started fondling Alec's earlobe with his tongue.

Alec squealed, a sound of both surprise and pleasure. He was so surprised that he didn't realise that Magnus had turned his attention to his neck until he felt a pair of sharp teeth digging into his jugular.

"Ohhhhh!" he moaned not sure whether he liked it or not.

He could feel Magnus chuckling against his throat and decided that it was _his_ turn to explore a bit.

He yanked three spikes from the back of Magnus's head and pulled his face towards him. The smug look had vanished from Magnus's face and instead he looked deeply aroused.

"What's wrong with kissing someone instead of biting them?" Alec asked, playfully.

"You more or less said that you'd been single your whole life and I want our first kiss to be special. I don't want to rush you," the High Warlock replied. Alec noted with satisfaction that he was having a hard time concentrating on his words.

"So _biting_ is as innocent as handholding, is that what you're trying to say?" He tried to sound outraged but his tone sounded amused.

Magnus grinned back at him.

"Well, if you don't mind the big, bad warlock stealing your virtue…"

He closed the gap between them until their lips were less than a millimetre apart. They closed their eyes and-

"Meow!!!"

-were rudely interrupted by Secretary Meow peeping through the keyhole at them.

Magnus groaned and reluctantly broke away from Alec's embrace. He stood up, fixed his hair and released the cat from his confinement.

Secretary Meow pranced out of the bedroom as if he had been imprisoned for years. When his companion made to follow him, Magnus shut the door in his face. Secretary Meow gave him a disapproving look.

"I'm in a good mood but don't push it Meow," was his response.

Secretary Meow began stealing glances at the abandoned donuts on the round table. He tried to mask his hunger when he saw Magnus looking at him. Alec was too overwhelmed by what had just happened between himself and Magnus to pay much attention.

"While you interrupted at the worst possible moment Meow, I forgive you as you _did_ allow me enough time to seduce Alexander. As your reward, I'm promoting you back to Chairman Meow. Let's hope you don't go mad with power again. You may also salvage whatever remains of those donuts."

Chairman Meow, while looking satisfied with his promotion, also looked self conscious and uncertain. Magnus's features softened as he scooped up the kitten and proceeded to cuddle him.

"I didn't mean it when I said you were fat. I'd rather you maintained your fuller figure then become one of those bulimic kittens that are airbrushed to perfection in the magazines. You'd be coughing up food all the time and I'd have to clean it….your perfect just the way you are."

Chairman Meow wiped a stray tear from his eye(or so Alec thought) and leaped from Magnus's arms onto the table where he began munching on a powdered donut.

Alec found this exchange a tad strange but he pushed his concerns to the back of his mind. He had a feeling that he would have to do that a lot where Magnus was concerned if he wanted to remain sane.

He got to his feet, still feeling light-headed from the wicked magic of Magnus's tongue.

"Time to go?" Magnus asked.

"Yeah, they'll notice something if I stay out for too long," he apologized.

Magnus signalled for him to wait as he rushed to his room. He emerged seconds later with a sparkly scarf. He wrapped it around Alec's neck.

"To hide the hickey," he explained, "this love quadrangle is complicated enough. I'm busy enough without getting caught up in the multiple love lives of demon hunting teenagers."

"Right, because the shiny scarf that doesn't contrast _at all _with the rest of my clothes will draw attention _away_ from my neck," he teased. He intended to tear it off the second the door was closed.

"It's the plainest accessory I own."

Alec smirked at him and turned to go before being pulled back into the warlock's grasp.

"Forgetting something?" Magnus inquired with a flicker of hope shining through his eyes.

"I don't think so," Alec said in an attempt to sound coy.

When Magnus rolled his eyes Alec leaned in and claimed his mouth in a soft kiss. Before Magnus could react, Alec pulled away and hightailed it for the door.

The last words he heard were, "I told you it was the quiet one's you needed to look out for," and a meow of agreement.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!=**)


End file.
